today's (and tomorrow's) meaning

I’ve test-driven quite a few religions and churches in my life (including one cult).  Each left something behind, but none have stuck fully (now that I type this, I’m thinking maybe I just have commitment issues).  But the other night, as I listened to two owls converse in the middle of the city night, I got a very clear vision of everything and everyone as a universal choir.  I know, how banal.  But sometimes it takes me a while to internalize widely accepted concepts.  And the point of my existence smacked me in the face like a piece of wet bologna: my purpose is to not be the one very small false note.  I’ve been watching some singing competitions lately, and even in a very large group of singers, one off note grinds like teeth on sandpaper.  You may not know where it came from, but it fucks up the entire magnificent harmony and is somehow louder than the rest of the skilled and spirited voices.  So, my role is not to shit in everyone’s cereal.  In practical terms I’ve taken it to mean that I will cause no more pain to those around (animal, plant, or mineral) as I absolutely have to.  Human vanity drives us to strive to leave a mark on the world after we’ve gone.  My new goal is to pass unnoticed, to leave the universe undisturbed by my presence.  Seems kind of Buddhist-ish, I guess.  I just don’t groove on the whole “life is pain” thing. Telling you, commitment issues.

today's meaning

ya, still there is nothing.

A friend's Mom died last week. She was 15 years younger than my parents. It's completely done my head in.  Such pain I'm afraid to even imagine. Hard to think think that most people in the world get over it sooner or later.

Hopefully, his religion will finally come in handy.

Documentaries

I race through documentaries on the order of the natural world: the math of nature, the ancient civilizations, the animal biology... 
Not seeking knowledge - that's just a symptom.
I yearn for the sense of wonder they impart.

MTV ruined music

Love Dire Straits.  In my mind’s eye, they’re all calloused hands, rough knuckles, motor-oil cured jeans and steel-toed work boots. 

Solid gnarled men. 

Never seen them. I prefer not to know what my musicians look like – ruins the magic.

Can’t believe it took ‘til the 70s to start using blind auditions in hiring musicians.

Thanks, Art Davis!

I heart fractals

Chaos theory makes me want to believe in intelligent design.
Really, I can't imagine any advance of science that would prove God's absence. 
I'm not a zealot - far from it.  But building diversity into the pattern, taming chaos by making it part of the order itself - that's just too brilliant, elegant, long-term to be a random coincidence... 

Memorial Day

Thinking of all the soldiers and civilians killed in wars, and, as is the Russian tradition, remembering all my family and friends who've gone.
I'm lucky to have known you.

Snapshot

A raindrop falls on paper and swells it like flesh around a fresh cat scratch.  Ink smears like tears of a toddler clutching the cheek now lined in angry red and painful pink.  He doesn’t get what happened, why the fluffy joybot turned into a killer machine, a fury of hissing, and growling, and shredding him to bits…  He lets go of the long tufts of tail hair still clutched in his tiny fist.  Tears flow freely.  Outside, on a freshly wet sidewalk fragrant with summer rain, an old bachelor, writer and artist clutches an ink-smeared notebook to his cold, dead cheek.

Awesome gesture drawing tool

http://www.pixelovely.com/tools/gesture.html

Walker: Lessons Learned in Wisconsin in 2011

I am not indifferent to the public workers’ plight.

My lack of faith in the current unions as effective champions of workers’ rights has kept me silent so far.  I had reservations about their effectiveness and zeal in putting the membership fee money where their mouths are in actually fighting for their members.

The citizens made their voices heard without any more involvement from the unions than as a glorified mascot of this movement.  When the workers’ rights were threatened the people rose up, regardless of their affiliation with the unions.

But what I’ve realized is: it doesn’t matter how good the unions are at their job.  Walker is clearly out of line, the right to collective bargaining must be preserved.  How people exercise that right (the effectiveness of current unions) is the question to contemplate for later down the road. 

"Obamacare"

The right-wing pundits keep talking about repealing “Obamacare” and letting consumers drive the free market of health care. 

Really?

Consumers are the ones who would dictate prices?  NOT insurance companies?  NOT HMOs themselves?

Because when it comes to being shrewd health care consumers, we’ve been educated by… whom?

And when the choice is between preventive and critical, do you really expect an average American to be forward-thinking enough to invest in something that’s not impeding normal function on the daily basis?

Until the focus of health care shifts from fixing major health crises after they manifest to preventive measures, the costs of health care will remain astronomical. 

No one likes to go to the doctor.  Unless it’s free and relatively painless, most will wait until it can no longer be put off.

So, when the “free consumer” is rushed to the emergency room with a bursting appendix, when exactly is he supposed to review the price list of services being offered, when should the “estimate” be provided and contract negotiated? 

At this point, aren’t you willing to agree to and promise anything, to save your life?  Doesn’t seem like much of a bargaining position. When you negotiate from the place of weakness, you will always lose.

Ok, let’s say we DON’T cut insurance as the middleperson out of this appendicitis negotiation.  Let’s say, you have health insurance and in that critical moment of your life, your insurance card gives you access to all the medical services you need to get better.  After the fact, the negotiations resume, but now the service has been provided and paid for, and all you’re discussing is whether it was necessary to save your life – a fluid concept.  And now the creditor is no longer the HMO who want your business, but the insurance company who own your balls.  The very insurance company that promised you’d be taken care of, now requires innumerate pieces of unknown documentation to prove you really needed the hospital to do what it did.  Mind you, the desired documentation is not always clearly described.  Often it’s a case of “we don’t knoooow what would convince us, but we’ll know it when we see it.  Keep’em coming!” 

The first “non-essentials” to get denied in insurance claims are the diagnostic and preventive measures. When it comes to excessive testing they have half-a point: don’t even get me started on the needless diagnostics, ballooning off the medical malpractice risks.   Which brings us full circle to another source of insurance company revenue: medical malpractice insurance.  They’re worse than organized gambling! With casinos, at least you enter the relationship knowing “the house” is out to get you and it always wins.

And, oh yes, cancer patients?  Fuck off.  What? You didn’t know you had cancer when you signed up?  Tough shit!  Get lost, money pits!  Gosh, you actually expect your insurance carrier to pay for some to ALL of your treatment? We don’t even know you!  And had we known you were going to get cancer, we’d never sign you on.  Mistake corrected. Drop dead – it’s cheaper that way.

Which brings me to another point:  as long as insurance companies rule health care, we will NEVER cure cancer, or AIDS, or the common cold (although I’m kind of partial to the cold – it’s not that dangerous and pretty admirable how resilient it is).  Because it’s just not cost-effective to look for the cure – it’s a lot more profitable to keep making the money off of the maintenance drugs and procedures. 

Headdesk

Headdesk

Headdesk

Headdesk

Headdesk

At what point is any of this process “driven” by the consumer????  The only cost-saving choice we, the consumers, have is to stay as far away from doctors for as long as we can. 

The goals are:

·         To free up the doctors to only worry about finding the best solutions for preventing and treating disease, regardless of the patient’s insurance status.

·         Lower medical care costs by greater emphasis on prevention and cure – not eliminating symptoms.

Roadblocks?

·         The added burden and expense of health care system administration.

·         The loss of tax revenue that insurance companies will not pay on the profits lost to the government?..

What is the solution, then?

·         Prohibit private insurance companies from offering health insurance and medical malpractice insurance.

·         Create a government-funded system of health care, available free to any citizen.

·         Limit damages available through medical malpractice litigation but regulate the industry and have a set list of monetary awards for common mishaps.

·         Raise all taxes by 0.5% - individual and corporate, income and sales/use.

·         Remove all corporate tax breaks other than a modest one for new and re-hires.        

The bottom line is:  it is unethical and stupid to think of health care as a for-profit industry.  This concept assumes consumers who can make the decisions independent of those who offer the services, optional products, and healthy competition among the businesses.  I’m off to pray to the tooth fairy to take my wisdom teeth.  My negotiating position?  I’ll forgo the cash under the pillow as long as all four teeth are gone.  It’s just as likely as a free market health care system.

 

Is “whooped” a technical term?

Coffee-credit has run out – time to pay up. With interest.  Take it out of my eyes...

I think some cartilage just snapped in my noggin.

the meaning of life 2 (aka daily meaning 1)

Waste of time, right?  I went back to my first post by the same name because I started writing one again and had severe deja vu.  To be fair, I was going to peg music as the meaning of life today.

So, I'm going to try something: for 10 days I will post "daily meaning" snippets - just rough mentions of thoughts, things, people, events that made my day worth going through.

Since the day is just starting, a couple small things pop up:

• coffee is the reason I'm still employed
• Justin Timberlake's music is really fun and makes me want to get off my fat fanny and dance (it took a bit of balls to say it - I'm terribly embarrased by this realization)
• the Guilty Dog video is dumb but made me smile.  Incidentally, I will no longer be ashamed of liking silly things that make me smile/laugh, even when they're super-uncool.
• 5'nizza are fulfilling the role of the motherland's voice in my heart for the moment. Different artists have done that at different times (not only musicians but writers/poets, painters, directors, etc.) but there's always one.
• I'm surprised that being apart with my lover for weeks has not had a significant practical impact on my everyday life (that is, after over a decade of being attached at the hip, I don't need him to survive).  I was a little afraid that I wouldn't miss him, and am relieved to know that I do.  Wanting someone is waay better than needing him/her. It's the little things: having someone other than the dog to say "hi" when I enter the house, his whistling a random tune,...

The Gospel of Judas

Watched the National Geographic documentary on the relatively recently found gospel of Judas (authenticated'n'all) and now desperately want a fictional movie to be created on its basis.  In fact, if I had some writing prowess, I'd draft the script.  If the "Passion of Christ" made so much noise, imagine what this would do... :)

Also, I've heard before about the many Christian Gospels and worship practices that abounded in the first few years after Christ's death, but it never hit home with me.  Now I want to know more.

SPRING! :)

From Feb 17:

I know this is supposed to be my whining outlet and all, but it is literally 50 degrees outside!
Makes me want to sweep all the paper piles off my desk and skip toward the double doors to the sunshine and freedom of the outside!

Ok, that was yesterday, actually. Today is magical in a completely different way.  The mountains of snow have evaporated in one short day and are now hovering in the air just above the ground.  It's like the snowpiles got much thinner and taller.  It's almost noon, and the fog is still as thick as it was at 6 this morning!

As much as I hate winter, these rare days of unusual weather are SO worth it!

New calendar at work

From new ABA calendar

Smiling professional faces

Look down on my work.

Blog

Thought it was a window.
Turns out - just a mirror.

Another wood-framed mirror
nailed solid to the wall.

So I’ll just make it pretty –
I’ll add some paper flowers.

Then leave the table lamp on,
Pretend it’s the sun.

Have you ever gone a full day without uttering a word?

Have you ever gone a full day without saying a single word, exchanging an idea, a simple "hello"/"excuse me"/"bless you"/"fuck off?"

Silent not as some sort of protest against the treatment of meercats in Mongolia or in memory of a lost friend. 

Just because there was no one to talk to. 

Not one soul to acknowledge your existence, to witness this tiny segment of your life.

Me neither.

Image by Dionisio Blanco

lovely shades of grey

“Black and white” moral judgment doesn’t, can't apply to people.  It may apply to specific acts/events, but even then it’s likely just more stark shades of lighter or darker grey. 

My sister lives in screaming blacks with an occasional splash of blinding white that dulls with every additional recollection.  I, on the other hand, rarely get off the fence.  I like it here – it takes less guts, and people view you as an impartial party, an objective observer. 
My husband is continuously puzzled by my views on life, the Universe and everything. 
He doesn’t know they are,
for the most part,
random,
arbitrary.

mind-blown

Google art project is why I don't care how big a corporate dicks they may or may not be. 

I've traveled thousands of miles to see some of these pieces in the museums where they live and have then found their images online lacking - in color, detail, resolution. 

This project is the holy grail of visual art heritage, and bringing it to all the people who can't afford international travel is a saintly deed in my book.

Another site I've been glued to is classic art paintings.  44 000 images.  'nuff said.  The quality is not as tear-inducingly stunning as with Google art project but I love it anyway.

busy at the office

The monitor bristles

with Post-its and memos “to do”

Obstructing view.

BTW, haiku authors are the same people that point out to you when what you say is "actually, not technically 'irony' - it's blah-blah-blah... ." So, for all of you rules sticklers out there, none of my word snippets are haiku, or any other form of poetry. I might call them boonaikoo sometimes (as in "we're so sad that we're not cool enough to be haiku" or "down with traditional style - we're not haiku so suck it"). 

Really, though, I'm just lashing out at the true haiku masters out of jealousy steeped in pure admiration (sincerely) - brevity (in my mind at least) is the greatest mastery of the language.

Rockin word of the day

VERACITY
It just sounds so fierce!
It's got to be cousins with voracious and ferocious, right?

ve·rac·i·ty  (v-rs-t) n. pl. ve·rac·i·ties 1. Adherence to the truth; truthfulness. See Synonyms at truth. 2. Conformity to fact or truth; accuracy or precision: a report of doubtful veracity. 3. Something that is true. [Medieval Latin vrcits, from Latin vrx, vrc-, true; see veracious.]

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2009. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

the meaning of life

My writer friend spends his days searching for meaning.

I appreciate his musings.  They lead nowhere in the practical sense, of course.  But they remind me of a bigger, greater world out there, the inspired madness of it all. 

He makes me almost believe there are indeed noble ways to waste time, that working to understand our “greater purpose” is a noble waste of time. 

Sadly, he can't change the truth.

We live for the most basic and selfish of reasons – to exist.  Nothing more. 
Everything we do outside of eating, drinking, staying warm (or cool), fucking and squirting out babies – all our intellectual pursuits - are to either help us accomplish those basic tasks better, or to distract our tumorously over-active frontal lobes from interfering with our main function - to procreate, to sustain the species. 

Nothing more.

Luckily, along the way, we glimpse so many other, different from us, creatures in the same pursuit!  And there’s grace and beauty in it, and that’s my respite from the pointlessness.  It’s trivial to say “the sky, trees, sun, water, birds, animals are pretty” but they are.  And they are different everyday, so you get to greet a brand new world every morning.  And every extra day that you survive to succeed or fail in continuing your species’ selfish procreation game, you get rewarded with the most magnificent backdrops. 

There is no deeper meaning - just heartbreaking beauty everywhere you look.

Image by Cateyano Arroyo

To watch and to eat

25th hour (2002)
Rashomon (1950)

Pizza: beetroot, blue cheese, spinach, bacon and a cream-based garlic sauce.

At the coffee station at work this morning

Me: Blah-blah... How's it going?
Co-worker: Friday's coming!  And right behind it - spring! And the days are getting longer!
Me: Of course, the fact that the sky's a bit lighter this morning might be due to the snow clouds, bringing the prospect of daily snow shoveling this week... This week that has JUST begun.  You know it's Monday, right?
Co-worker:  Yes, but right behind the snow is spring!  And Friday is already peaking over this Monday's shoulder! There's hope!

I had a full coffee pot in my hand.  If I were him, I would have exercised better caution.  Self-control prevailed though.
Gotta love the glass-half-full people.

Quote of the Day

"Armed revolution, the history of numerous countries sadly illustrates, is habit-forming. To overthrow a constitutional democracy by force creates a precedent for the transition of power by force."

From http://slacktivist.typepad.com/slacktivist/2011/01/dont-you-know-that-you-can-count-me-out.html 

Moment of Death

Watched National Georgraphic’s “Moment of Death” and did not find the profundity I sought.  Let’s rehash the old 21 grams and white tunnel legends and NOT actually offer any new insight into their origin or possible explanation! 

Maybe the point is there IS no profundity to be found in death.  No swelling music, no grand finale – just an interruption of living. 

So, then burial rites are how survivors give death more meaning.  I kind of get it.

Or maybe that's the point: I don't get death.  What evolutionary purpose would that serve anyway?  My biological purpose is to procreate as much as I can, and for that I need to stay alive - hence fear and aversion to death. Right? Right?...

Old cheese

A friend is twittering (“twittering” is waaay more fun to say than “tweeting”) about old music.

And it made me nostalgic for so many truly worthless pieces of music, mildly offensive to any human with a decent taste!  A priceless gem each and every one of them.  Every god-awful Russian 90s pop song, every Scorpions and Bon Jovi ballad  keeps a memory of that time and place.  Crack that baby open and drink up the youth marrow. 

Old cheese is the best cheese.

Krampus!!

How is it that it took me thirty years to hear about Krampus???
He’s awesome!

So, with him in the picture, each Christmas (or St. Nick Day) is a mini-judgment day!  A rehearsal for the end-of-life (or end-of-days) tally of what you’ve done right and wrong. 
Here's an ultimate illustration of Christianity, distilled into its purest essence for children: 

Be good = get candy.

Be bad=get dragged away in a burlap sack to suffer unspeakable horrors.

Love it!

Photo credit and many thanks to: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:MatthiasKabel

"Creative"

Sooo, it occurs to me that anyone having to actually say s/he is creative is most likely not.
Which means this blog title is pretty much crap. 
I might as well have titled it "Trite Griping 101"  or "Pretentious Sniveling from A to Z."
I did like that it looked so much like "Creative Writing 101."

'Sokay - i'll keep it.  I'm obviously that much of a dork - might as well own it.

What are you afraid of?

Does growing older make one more cowardly? 

Does the warm comfortable blanket of inaction and apathy slowly age and soften you, quietly seeping nightmares of discomfort into the pores of your pale, atrophied limbs? 

Doubt poisons every meal. 

Seemingly reasonable concerns grow into flesh-eating monsters who tear to shreds every wispy thought of change or a new beginning.

Comfy?

Office Haiku

Silence lies like snow

Over cubes and computers

We give mind jobs.

Yes-yes, I know it's not a strict adherence to the traditional 5-7-5 structure but live a litte - cut a hapless hack of a poet a little slack! I like 16 instead of 17 sillables. 

Social Consciousness or another Eugenics Project?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-11545519
A charity offers to pay 200 quid to any drug/alcohol addict who wants to get sterilized.
Bribery?  yes.  Atrocity?  maybe.
Mainly because it seems people should not make such long-term decisions when (most likely) intoxicated.  It's like a drunk person cannot legally consent to sex because the judgment is severely impaired. 
On the other hand, this project is clearly a desperate measure that fits desperate times.
I'm undecided.

Spathiphyllum Mortuus - or is it?

Peace lilies are seriously freaky.  Not only are they really hardy, but totally dramatic, too. 

I come into work after the holidays, to a plant that looks like a building destroyed by a bomb – a crater of random sticks sticking at sharp angles out of the ground, dark leaf debris hanging straight down. 

Dead. 

So I fill a bottle with a 50/50 mix of water and skepticism and dump it in the pot.  The soil is so dry that the water lifts it in one piece from the bottom of the pot like a floater. 

A half hour later I catch movement out of the corner of my eye.  Paranoid, I dart my eyes in that direction but see nothing but the wilted peace lily.  The scenario repeats itself 3-4 times before I make my gaze linger on the plant.  It actually moves!  It twitches upward like a zombi’s jerky gait.  The stalks straighten, the shriveled rags of leaves lighten and smooth out.  And all I can hear is Massive Attack’s “Angel” and all I want to do is baseball bat the shit out of a house plant screeching “It’s alive! Kill it! kill it!”

Instead, I keep one at every location where I’m responsible for keeping flora alive– it tells me how the other, less expressive plants are feeling.  It’s my Fido.

Oh, yeah, another year’s started. Big whoop.

Monday morning

Sleep-deprived brain shuffles in circles.

Loops get smaller

Consciousness fades.

Self-inflicted bottomless stupor

Muscles twitch

In habitual daze.

Coffee pot is my defibrillator.

Taste the burn…